Category: Learn

I heard the most clarifying quote the other day on @torikdunlap’s @FinancialFeministPodcast.

We’ve often said that “self care is not a manicure.”?? And this idea that taking care of ourselves is zoning out in the tub or with a pizza and wine is common.

But it’s really self-soothing, not self-care. And there’s nothing wrong with self-soothing activities; it’s basically a typical Friday night.

“But self-care is the hard shit.” The thing that *present you* does begrudgingly often, in order for *future you* to feel better. Taking care of future you – even if uncomfy? – things like going to therapy, having that tough conversation, and looking at your money – because it’ll make you feel better.

So much yes.?

Asking people about sources of #resiliencein recent times during several studies, @FastCompany heard a chorus of the same sentiment: “friends.”

Apparently, having a friend you see every day at work = the joy of receiving a $100,000 raise, according to an @theatlanticarticle we saw in a @shiftthework newsletter.

Since we can’t always curate the people we work with, how might we help ourselves more authentically connect and support each other?

@FastCompany has these tips for what to reflect on when you’re feeling emotionally disconnected from your team, focused on the 5 main points of #connection:

? Connection to Self – Am I clear on my purpose and priorities?

? Connection to Manager – Do I know, without a doubt, that my manager has my back, and do I have theirs? Do I feel psychologically safe?

? Connection to Company – Can I see the direct connection between what I do every day and the impact my work has on our bigger picture and mission?

? Connection to Peers – Do I know my colleagues at deeper levels than what’s at the surface? Do I feel that we are all in this together and committed to the same values and outcomes?

? Connection to Work – Am I inspired to consistently contribute at the highest levels of performance? Do I perform in a way that is consistent with that inspiration?

Our approach to #parenting isn’t unique. It’s a mix of reading, studying friends who had kids first, asking questions, adopting parts of how we were parented, and lots of straight up winging it.

Not everyone around us has agreed with us along the way. We’ve been shamed and mocked for choices around things like routines, activities + dietary decisions.

I cared what others thought, a lot. Over time, I realized that changing what worked for our family to please others let our kids down. That they thrive on a schedule, that certain foods hurt them, even though they beg for the taste in the moment.

We know what our kids need. Choosing differently to avoid the criticism of others can be hard. But we can do hard things. And, that’s where boundaries come in (and that’s a whole different lesson.)

As I prepared my mind to go on leave, I shared with a coach that to pause what I’m building made me feel a bit powerless. He asked, “what about surrendering makes you feel powerless?” I paused. Hearing that back immediately provided me with a perspective shift. 

I wasn’t powerless. But rather, so powerful. To surrender what was, allows for what can be. This is the time to live this life I’ve been building towards. To go all in on this new human, this new family structure and each of our emotions that, as many of us know, require such intentional time and attention. That is so, so powerful. 

I blinked and somehow turned 40, have been raising kids for more than a decade, and celebrated 14 years of marriage. It hit me hard how much time I spent in my first 40 years focusing on things that brought me down, like what people thought of me or am I doing/being enough. Too much of my time went to caring about people and things that didn’t serve me in return. 

I reality checked the guilt that came with that examination of how and where I spent my time. Instead of wallowing, I felt a surprising sense of accomplishment. I was proud of how far I’ve come and who I’ve become. I was proud of my self-awareness. 

If I’m lucky, I have another good 40 years in me and I am now committed to them differently, approaching them with grace and a selective pursuit of happiness.

We are taught that success starts with a plan. And a plan “B.” Plans are necessary in life and in business. 

Sometimes, your carefully thought through plans don’t go according to well, plan. (How many times can I say plan before you question if it’s even a word?)

Four years ago, I tattooed a saying in my dad’s handwriting on my left wrist. If you would have asked me two years before, when he was still alive, if I would walk into a tattoo parlor spontaneously, I would have told you: “never.” A tattoo was never in my plans. 

But every day, I’m reminded of a saying my dad wrote down for my wedding speech, one that my late Nonna taught him: “We make plans and God laughs.” 

I said “never” to a lot of things before my heart was broken. Before grief became something I met every day. I still make plans, a lot of them. My to-do lists have to-do lists. Calendar reminders are a crutch. 

But I’ve learned that nothing is certain, except for uncertainty. 

I’ve learned that we aren’t in as much control over our lives, and our kids’ lives, as we think we are. 

I’ve learned to focus on the good, most days. 

I’ve learned that tomorrow may not go according to plan, and I’ll try to be ready for that. 

This isn’t about being right or wrong. It is about showing your kids firsthand what it looks like to be accountable, owning your actions and choices.

Too many adults around us do not know how to do this. They are victims, placing blame for the consequences of their own choices on others. I imagine accountability wasn’t modeled for them as a child, and therefore the cycle is repeating itself.

So, apologize to your kids and apologize to others around your kids. It doesn’t make you weak. Quite the opposite.

Suddenly, qualities traditionally associated with women, such as #empathy and #compassion, are seen as something to leverage and not suppress. Finally, “working like a woman” is an asset, according to @bostonglobe and others. 

@mckinseyco and @leaninorg‘s Women in the Workplace 2021 survey found that women leaders more consistently ensured manageable workloads for teams, provided emotional support, and checked in on overall wellbeing than men, and 87% of companies called this labor critical. What do you think?

It’s our [day] job to uplift & coach people as they step into their power and share their message in the media (@notyourparentspr). Surprisingly, it’s not typically the clients who want the spotlight that are the most impactful with their mission; it’s the ones who don’t – but know that their openness and vulnerability can help others, and that drives them.

As we set nerves aside to step in front of the mic and camera ourselves, we find ourselves (as we mention in The Confidence Episode) powerfully sharing personal experiences and uplifting others one moment, and the next, questioning. Leaning on each other, and the working moms that help us build this every day (we’ll share more about them soon, promise!) has been the greatest joy and motivator. We are truly better together. We work on ourselves so we can be better – and make more space – for others and keep showing up. We know what we have to give, and that we haven’t scratched the surface. So, here we are. Our DMs are open. Thanks for being here with us; we’d like to do the same for you.

If there was, this life might be simpler. Yet there’s beauty in the unknown. “We make plans, and God laughs,” Erica’s father would say. We can do our best with the tools we have to create the life we want; and then, let go. Find our peace. Find our joy. Today. Not later. Don’t wait for the finish line. Skip to the good part and seek it out now. You can.